Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I just can’t sleep…

It’s been some time now. I can’t help hitting the nap button for a few minutes in the afternoon. And then, for hours through the night, until it’s almost morning, I just can’t sleep. And honestly, I can’t complain, for I love the night. When the lights are out and the world is quiet, everybody is sound asleep…..err, yes, in this part of the world, people do really sleep at night. You’ll find lights out at like ten in the night. Not a single window alive, except mine of course.

The only problem is, I have to wake up in the morning and make breakfast for the husband. It’s not like I can sleep as long as I wish to. But I sure wish I could, because I so really love the time of the night. I love the silence of the streets, the jingle of insects, the moon…oh, the moon. When the moon shines bright, nothing looks more beautiful. I so wish I could just wander off into the night. Away from people, away from the world, away from civilization, away, far away from everyone. Just on my own. Just grab a moment of tranquility. Or probably just scream out loud. I wish I could be left alone just once, to be just myself, and not have to behave in a certain manner, or have to be a lady, or to be somebody’s wife, somebody’s daughter, to be responsible for somebody’s social standing. Just be me.

Ah…..I’m probably dreaming. I so gotta shut up.

Anyway, have you ever noticed how, unlike popular belief, nights are such amazingly positive times. Have you ever noticed that at night, everything seems possible? How, in the silence and dark, all your plans, your thoughts, your ambitions seem achievable. Strange how it happens but it does. Last night, when I couldn’t sleep, a deep longing to get back in touch with all my old friends creeped into my head. All friends from school, from aol, all friends I haven’t seen in or spoken to in years. I went in to another trip down memory lane and strolled there a long time recollecting all my friends. Honestly, I never had many in school, but quite a few good ones in aol. I got out of bed and immediately got on to Google. I did find a few of them, and thought I’d send out messages to them first thing in the morning. And with that thought, I fell asleep happily.

And now, here I am, writing this blog that I presume no one’s gonna care about. As the sun shone, I chickened. I can’t contact them. They all got out of school, college, and got great jobs. People in aol have moved on to better positions. And I…….. I’ve been married.

Married and stayed at home, studying masters in English literature, and cooking good food and doing good laundry. I tell myself it’s a good life. I tell myself I’m no wimp or loser, and that someday I’m going to be a great writer and a successful professional. I’m gonna finish my masters and do a PhD. I’m gonna study psychology after that, write a lot of books, teach at a top notch university…….and on and on. But being married at an early age of 21, and moving to a sort of ‘not happening’ place that this is, life seems to have taken a full stop. I know it hasn’t. I know I’m gonna make good out of it sure enough soon. But as of now, it just doesn’t feel good enough. I wish there was more to this life.

And with that, long before I sign in to my Gmail, I give up. I don’t send out any messages, I don’t talk to any old friends, afraid of what I’ll answer when they ask me “so girl, what u doing now?” Don’t even ask me how I dread that question.

And yet, every night, I think, it’s a great life. I’m studying what I wanted to study, for the joy of it. I have plenty of time to pursue any interest, any dream. And I have a husband with a big enough paycheck to take care of it all. But soon as morning comes along, I wake up to the stagnating feeling of a bored housewife with nowhere to go and nothing to do, one who has no friends, no one to talk to or laugh with, except a husband, who may be a wonderful person way deep down inside, may pretend to, or even try to care for me. But really, doesn’t understand me…at all. All I have is a home that needs cleaning and a kitchen that needs cooking.

And with that, I move on into a new, not so exciting day, hoping to be in better spirits as the moon rises.

Day makes me ‘just live’. Night lets me dream on. Night makes me optimistic. Day makes me more realistic. What about you….

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