Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I just can’t sleep…

It’s been some time now. I can’t help hitting the nap button for a few minutes in the afternoon. And then, for hours through the night, until it’s almost morning, I just can’t sleep. And honestly, I can’t complain, for I love the night. When the lights are out and the world is quiet, everybody is sound asleep…..err, yes, in this part of the world, people do really sleep at night. You’ll find lights out at like ten in the night. Not a single window alive, except mine of course.

The only problem is, I have to wake up in the morning and make breakfast for the husband. It’s not like I can sleep as long as I wish to. But I sure wish I could, because I so really love the time of the night. I love the silence of the streets, the jingle of insects, the moon…oh, the moon. When the moon shines bright, nothing looks more beautiful. I so wish I could just wander off into the night. Away from people, away from the world, away from civilization, away, far away from everyone. Just on my own. Just grab a moment of tranquility. Or probably just scream out loud. I wish I could be left alone just once, to be just myself, and not have to behave in a certain manner, or have to be a lady, or to be somebody’s wife, somebody’s daughter, to be responsible for somebody’s social standing. Just be me.

Ah…..I’m probably dreaming. I so gotta shut up.

Anyway, have you ever noticed how, unlike popular belief, nights are such amazingly positive times. Have you ever noticed that at night, everything seems possible? How, in the silence and dark, all your plans, your thoughts, your ambitions seem achievable. Strange how it happens but it does. Last night, when I couldn’t sleep, a deep longing to get back in touch with all my old friends creeped into my head. All friends from school, from aol, all friends I haven’t seen in or spoken to in years. I went in to another trip down memory lane and strolled there a long time recollecting all my friends. Honestly, I never had many in school, but quite a few good ones in aol. I got out of bed and immediately got on to Google. I did find a few of them, and thought I’d send out messages to them first thing in the morning. And with that thought, I fell asleep happily.

And now, here I am, writing this blog that I presume no one’s gonna care about. As the sun shone, I chickened. I can’t contact them. They all got out of school, college, and got great jobs. People in aol have moved on to better positions. And I…….. I’ve been married.

Married and stayed at home, studying masters in English literature, and cooking good food and doing good laundry. I tell myself it’s a good life. I tell myself I’m no wimp or loser, and that someday I’m going to be a great writer and a successful professional. I’m gonna finish my masters and do a PhD. I’m gonna study psychology after that, write a lot of books, teach at a top notch university…….and on and on. But being married at an early age of 21, and moving to a sort of ‘not happening’ place that this is, life seems to have taken a full stop. I know it hasn’t. I know I’m gonna make good out of it sure enough soon. But as of now, it just doesn’t feel good enough. I wish there was more to this life.

And with that, long before I sign in to my Gmail, I give up. I don’t send out any messages, I don’t talk to any old friends, afraid of what I’ll answer when they ask me “so girl, what u doing now?” Don’t even ask me how I dread that question.

And yet, every night, I think, it’s a great life. I’m studying what I wanted to study, for the joy of it. I have plenty of time to pursue any interest, any dream. And I have a husband with a big enough paycheck to take care of it all. But soon as morning comes along, I wake up to the stagnating feeling of a bored housewife with nowhere to go and nothing to do, one who has no friends, no one to talk to or laugh with, except a husband, who may be a wonderful person way deep down inside, may pretend to, or even try to care for me. But really, doesn’t understand me…at all. All I have is a home that needs cleaning and a kitchen that needs cooking.

And with that, I move on into a new, not so exciting day, hoping to be in better spirits as the moon rises.

Day makes me ‘just live’. Night lets me dream on. Night makes me optimistic. Day makes me more realistic. What about you….

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


It’s a strange thing this fear. Makes you do things you’re otherwise too smart for. Kinda makes u superstitious at times. You know what it does to me…

Well, as a child, we heard that when we really really want something, we keep our fingers crossed for it. I did that enough back then. But as I grew up, I sorta got over it. I don’t do it anymore, except for one occasion. That’s when someone from my family is travelling, especially by train. I still keep my fingers crossed until I get a phone call from them saying that they have safely reached.

Funny you’ll think. Well, true. I know it doesn’t make a difference, I know nothing’s gonna happen, and I convince myself hard enough that I won’t do it next time. But I just can’t help it. It just happens. For in that moment when someone I love is on the rails…my fingers just seem to have a mind of their own.

The amazing thing is that me and my family have always travelled by train for a long long time. It’s only recently that we could start taking off in a plane. And from Bangalore to Delhi by train is a total three days. And believe me, for all three days, I would eat, pray and sleep with my fingers crossed.

Wonder what makes me do this. When in all my senses, I know it’s nothing but a superstition. Maybe, just maybe I’ll get over it someday.
So, what makes you superstitious…….

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A Humpty Dumpty game ;)

It started with a loud thud! A crashing touchdown and a bruised knee. Which, by the way, still hurts. Im talking about my first badminton game in say nine years. It was painful, embarassing, but a hell of a lot of fun. I hadnt played the game since say, 8th standard. Back then, it used to be those amazing evenings with papa, playing in the park, until mom tired her vocal cords out calling us for dinner, or until it became virtually impossible for us to see the shuttle in the dark. Or sometimes when…..Oh wait, hey, I shouldn’t be getting into flashback right now, I was here to talk about the game last morning.

Ahem, okay… Well, for a long time I had been wanting to start playing again. Perhaps because I had ample time to spare, or rather because I really needed a fun way to effectively workout, for the good old conventional strategies like morning walk or jogging werent working for me (I just could not wake up;) But most importantly, it was because I loved the game so much, it had so many happy memories of it, and I wanted to feel like that little girl by the side of papa, all over again.

Of course, it wasn’t papa this time, it was my better half, hubby dear by my side. Oh wait, no. Not by my side, opposite me. For a long time, we had been anticipating to buy the rackets in the first place. And when they finally arrived, hung on he wall for so long, never could be put to proper use, for the same reason…I just could not wake up! And evenings are no time to play, the court is too crowded, and im too occupied too. So finally, at last, after weeks of punching down the alarm and going back to sleep… the blessed morning came. I woke up in time…at last. So we headed to the sports club in the campus.

It was my first visit there, and a mighty good place it is I’d say, considering this town. Has courts for all sorts of sport, and damn clean too. So we stepped in the badminton court and I served first. It was a fine serve. My opponent (wait, I like calling my husband that ;) flipped the shuttle back and as I tried attempting my first strike, fell face front, and hurt my knee. Oops… awkward moment. I do not know what happened. You know, the amazing thing about taking a fall is, the first thing you care about, isnt where you got hurt. Its, ‘oh my gosh, who saw that.’ And well, quite a few people saw me. So alright, easy, breath. Say to yourself, its okay, nothing happened, im good, and get on with the game. And so I did. We went on to play a fairly decent game. He too hadnt played in a long time so we were on equal progress report. We decided to play for fun and not scoreboard it. We played for an hour and yes, it was an exhilerating one hour. We had so much fun, I dint wanna come back. But he said I better not overdo my muscles on the first day, and we came back.

So I had finally broken the curse of the sleep monster and woke up early. But would I be able to keep up. Would I wake up the next day. Well yes, that next day was today, and I did wake up. Yeah baby….i was all set for a new game…yeppie. Although my knee advised me otherwise, I knew that by abiding, I would only spoil it more. So I gathered myself together, pulled up my socks and grabbed my armour…ahem, my racket, and headed for a new game. Now im pretty sure I can keep up this groove. Cuz im loving it. Albeit it’s a new beginning and right now every muscle in my right arm hurts like hell, because of a fresh exertion, and the knee to add to it. But I know, getting them accustomed to this, is the only way out of this.

And the whole feeling of being in the court, of smashing the shuttle, of missing a shot, of heading right into the net or answering that seemingly impossible attack, by fluke, it all feels amazing. Yeah so what if I had a Humpty Dumpty moment, at least it took me back to the days of loving Humpty Dumpty. The days of murmuring twilights in the old home, of playing in the park by papa’s side, learning his shots, ignoring mom’s calls for dinner or homework. Of shuttles getting stuck up in trees and us jumping up and down with our rackets to bring it down. Feeling on top of the world if i got one shot better than dad, scuffling with my brother to get turns with dad, simply being daddy’s little girl. Oh how I miss those days. And though playing now is such an awesome feeling, it does make me miss being with dad, in that old home, bangalore right now.
Miss u papa…